time has eroded you
from my mind 

(like waves erode a sandy shore)
depositing

you into the delft 
waters of the subconscious 
where you sink

deeper every time
i fall in love with him
a little more.

i’m finally forgetting you // a.s.m 

i am restless
within, aching
for wildness 
running after a dream 
unsure of what it is 

i am hungry for dirt
and the smell of
rain, 
i feel uncooked inside
 
i am not ready to give myself
to anything 
because there is so much to know
so much to yearn for,
to love

i wonder what would silence
the hunger.

hungry heart // a.s.m 

there is so much within me
things i don’t understand
that overwhelm me

like standing in one of those lottery games
where the dollar bills fly all around you
& you have to try & catch them

my emotions
& physical sensations
fly every which way within me
and all i can do is watch them swim around my head
dizzying
nameless 

& i don’t understand how to name them
i don’t even understand how to feel them
how to hold them
how to make them feel whole &
heard & known so they can 
stop haunting me

there is so much within me
i don’t know how to feel.

a.s.m

forgiveness is falling from
the sky
pushing dirt and gravel 
down the streets, 
singing. 

and i stand outside
mouth and heart open 
wide and let it 
drench me, inside 
and out

clean and
consume me.

and as it permeates my skin, 
i will not fight it 
but let it in.

i’m ready to forgive // a.s.m

it is always
mitigation with you,
always putting out fires but
never trying to prevent them
letting the sagebrush grow
just enough that you can
consume it again


but i thought you were the adult
here


i thought being an adult meant
knowing how to love
like really
love without hurting
each other


you yell at me from across
the table &
even in the dim light
i know there are eyes 
on us


& in silence i stare at
you & marvel
that of all the conceptions
occurring in the year of 1994,
of all the uteruses &
fetuses to inhabit those uteruses
& consciousnesses to inhabit those fetuses
God decided to give me
to you


it hurts too much to think
there was no method to this


again, you apologize
& allow the act in itself
to forgive you


you snore heavily in the car
as i drive us home.
while you dream i wonder
when i will finally say
it’s okay

a.s.m 

some days
you are silent
& to me it feels greater
than the 3,000 miles
between us.


& in this silence I fear
the worst
& in this silence I fear

a silence I know well

a silence I have felt
before

withdrawal of
emotions & words
intended to wound;


in my heart I know
you always call

but I am still learning
to feel silence
as more than a
punishment.

getting over a cold shoulder // a.s.m