Tag: abusive parent

it is always
mitigation with you,
always putting out fires but
never trying to prevent them
letting the sagebrush grow
just enough that you can
consume it again


but i thought you were the adult
here


i thought being an adult meant
knowing how to love
like really
love without hurting
each other


you yell at me from across
the table &
even in the dim light
i know there are eyes 
on us


& in silence i stare at
you & marvel
that of all the conceptions
occurring in the year of 1994,
of all the uteruses &
fetuses to inhabit those uteruses
& consciousnesses to inhabit those fetuses
God decided to give me
to you


it hurts too much to think
there was no method to this


again, you apologize
& allow the act in itself
to forgive you


you snore heavily in the car
as i drive us home.
while you dream i wonder
when i will finally say
it’s okay

a.s.m 

clockwork heart
beating to the rhythm of 
your affection, 
i am everyone else’s 
property but
my own by the age of
four.

a mannequin child
a dress-up doll, 
a dog small enough to 
carry in a purse. but
i don’t bark– 
i’ve been well-trained with
self hatred and
your back to my face. 

i bet you didn’t know 
you’d shrink– disappearing; 
the sun drying you
like a raisin until
you shrivel.
i no longer feel
so small. i no longer seem
so weak.
you no longer seem so right.
you are not my god anymore.
 
i will run barefoot
across the yard with
my hair down and shirt untucked.
i will breathe a little
too deeply and know for once
the only lungs
i can burst are my own.

mother // a.s.m