it is always
mitigation with you,
always putting out fires but
never trying to prevent them
letting the sagebrush grow
just enough that you can
consume it again

but i thought you were the adult
here

i thought being an adult meant
knowing how to love
like really
love without hurting
each other

you yell at me from across
the table &
even in the dim light
i know there are eyes
on us

& in silence i stare at
you & marvel
that of all the conceptions
occurring in the year of 1994,
of all the uteruses &
fetuses to inhabit those uteruses
& consciousnesses to inhabit those fetuses
God decided to give me
to you

it hurts too much to think
there was no method to this

again, you apologize
& allow the act in itself
to forgive you

you snore heavily in the car
as i drive us home.
while you dream i wonder
when i will finally say
it’s okay

a.s.m

i have nothing left
for you to love
these bones have been bled
dry by eyes
that have taken lifetimes
to understand,
and i
want to leave this world
as nameless as i entered it.

suffocation comes in rainbows
laced with love
crushed between kisses
that draw blood-
red beauty
some of us can only choke
on the breath
of flowers.

suffocation // a.s.m

they put my
heart on a gold platter
for you to hang
next to the deer and moose
heads on your walls.
my tongue, my lungs
severed and garnished with
flowers and herbs
for you to consume,
your stomach acids slowly
breaking down the only
cells in my body that
allowed me to sing.

you took my voice away // a.s.m

well-water eyes like hands
reach into my chest to
squeeze my beating heart. to
stop the thumping.

well-water eyes like drills
tear holes into soft tissue and
grind teeth down with
sandpaper stares.

when the covers baptize me
in my own sweat,
i am not haunted
by the dead, but by the
living.

in our own
Waterloo, well-water
eyes that drown me in
their dark waves of
self-doubt.

well-water eyes everywhere,
making darkness permanent.
well-water eyes that
i have not yet learned how to escape.

your eyes are dark tunnels to the hell in your soul. i still hear their abuse in my mind, though you are miles away. // a.s.m

when
his fingers strum you
all you can do is sing.
or wail.
sometimes it sounds more like wailing.
and whatever he’s feeling comes out of your mouth.
whatever he’s thinking.
whatever he’s saying inside
comes out of you instead and
your throat’s sore from all the screaming
he’s feeling; from all the anger
little peach pits in his stomach
and you regurgitate them and
your throat is bloody red.

Guitarra // a.s.m

Nectar

When she wilted on the wooden 
floor and allowed herself the blows,
I couldn’t see the love 
was gone, but I knew
I couldn’t save her.
When I found myself
cornered in the eyes of her
 hurricanes, helpless
to the venom she spit,
I didn’t realize I needed to
save myself.

Locksmith

Every word from
his lips weld your shackles.
And you stand there, under
his spotlight to be
pinned, poked, prodded,
criticized and analyzed
content with the pain as long as
his eyes are only on you.

For so long you were my monster,
restrained and chained to protect us.
But from here I see you
once willingly locked those shackles
to your limbs, swallowing the key.
But his piercing words
have bled you dry, and now
you cannot leave.
You are in chains
and he must protect himself from the
damage.