Every word from
his lips weld your shackles.
And you stand there, under
his spotlight to be
pinned, poked, prodded,
criticized and analyzed
content with the pain as long as
his eyes are only on you.
For so long you were my monster,
restrained and chained to protect us.
But from here I see you
once willingly locked those shackles
to your limbs, swallowing the key.
But his piercing words
have bled you dry, and now
you cannot leave.
You are in chains
and he must protect himself from the
damage.
I remember sunny times,
ballet class and nursery rhymes;
times of you and me.
I cry for all the things I’ve lost:
friends and lovers I misplaced in the dark.
For all that I’ve forgotten;
memories fade to dreams and all my past is gone.
I cry for every time I think of you and can’t seem to recall much.
I cry for all the times I’ve woken up, seeing your face
in my dreams, and not really knowing it was you at all.
I want what I cannot
put into words:
the dousing of the flame
which reminds me you are not mine.
The silencing of my thoughts
which day in, day out
turn, turn, turn to you.
To dam the flow of
you that seeps into my dreams.
To snuff your constant presence
in all of me.
They say
there are two ways out.
I must pick my poison.
You wrapped your finger around the loose end
and pulled and pulled and pulled until
it broke;
an absentminded afterthought
hurriedly shoved into the armrest of my car
on your way out.
The hemmed end of your shirt left frayed and
blowing in the wind as
you walked away;
a sad reminder of how it used to be before
it’s innards were pulled out.
Weeks fall away and it still sits there—
the small ball of pink thread;
the mark of your territory on my heart.
The last piece of you. The only thing
holding us together.
Even when i can’t see you,
you are here
in the rivers of my mind, flowing
from one current to the next, so that
you are not always a straight line, but
a jumble that i sometimes lose sight of for a moment
behind the mountains and hills.
i feel you again and again and again and
each time, just before you disappear, i know you
will reappear in the bends of the river;
you always will.
My heart is anchored to you,
and when goodbye leaves
your lips, it takes my heart
with it.
Of being tired
Of feeling like I’m not
good enough
alive happy
loved.
Of loneliness
emptiness
unexplainable sadness.
Of living in fear of the parts of
myself I can’t control.
Of feeling,
of living;
of it all.
With cupped hands I show you
the parts of my soul nobody else has
touched.
I am prepared for your eyes
to widen in disgust,
for you to take them
and crush them and
throw them away.
But you hold them,
you know them,
you love them.
And gently, carefully,
you place my darkness back
in my shaking hands.
You have seen all of me and yet
there is only love in your eyes.
Protect yourself, his warm words tickle my ear.
But to protect myself from
you only makes me vulnerable
to the rest of the world.
Unconditional love is loving someone even though you know they will never love you back in the same way. It is continuing to spend time with that person even though being with them sometimes hurts; because your love for them is more than the pain. It is remembering how they’ve hurt you, knowing it might happen again, and still choosing to spend time with them. Because no matter how much it might hurt to be around them, it hurts a lot more to be without them.
Silenticel 