You were only
the second person
I understood how to love. 
I was naive– I still hadn’t learned
that love isn’t
bleeding out onto the card table
and showing everyone your hand;
that in order to win, 
you had to bluff.

And I came in like a hurricane and
tore apart the small space
you had just started feeling like you could call home. 
I asked for a room– you weren’t sure
you had any.

But I made myself a copy
of your keys and slept
at the foot of your bed until 
you finally started leaving
extra eggs in the frying pan for me
in the mornings. 
But you never were one for routine. 

You were a runner,
you said. You didn’t like to stay still. 
You could find home within yourself but
were too scared to rent out property
in anybody else. 

I told you I was looking 
for a tenant. 

When I finally started making an indent
in your mattress, 
you locked me out. 

‘It’s too risky,’ you said, 
‘this real estate game.’

i just wanted you to want me, too // a.s.m

Apology to Myself

i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry

the words throw themselves off
my lips to become the ground
you walk on.

i’m sorry i wasn’t the one
you wanted to squeeze
into your daily planner in
slanted, sloppy script.

i’m sorry i fell so hard
so fast because i am
scraped up and
don’t know what to do.
i made you my
emergency contact.

i’m sorry i confused
us for love because
it hurts to see you laugh
while I am trying
to ignore the fact that
i am still on fire.

i’m sorry all I can seem to remember
are your eyes and lips and
laughter instead of the words
that hit me like
lit cigarette butts or
the humid silences or the hours
i spent worrying about someone
whose only mark on
my heart is a burn.

I Loved You Like

i loved you like taking
showers in the rain and rolling
in mud. like jumping in
puddles.
like skydiving, cliff jumping, squishing
three people and some swimming noodles
on a moped with one helmet.
like exploring the jungles
in your eyes.
like running through
the forest barefoot.
like cutting the sole of my
foot on a piece of glass, like
continuing to run despite the
bleeding. like the infection
that developed afterwards.
like the scar that remains. 

Your Dream Girl Doesn’t Exist

i am not the answer
to your mind’s unrelenting questions. 
and no matter how broken you
think you are, you are not
a puzzle to be put together– i 
cannot fix you. 

do not put me on a pedestal
where i don’t belong. 
do not put me on your shoulders
where i might fall. 

do not tell me you need me– 
tell me you don’t, 
but that you want me
anyway. 

Rehab

I’d shoot you up,
swallow you whole with
a glass of orange juice
in the morning—
inhale you
during my lunch breaks.

I thought that I needed you. 

Now my sheets are drenched
in all the words you’ve ever said and 
my eyes roll back to replay
your smile until it distorts
into a sneer.
And I can smell your sweat. 
I can taste your lips. 
I can taste the milk going sour. 

You are leaking out of
the bullet holes—out of
all of my pores—but
I know this
is part of getting clean. 

You Break It, You (Don’t) Buy It

I. She was a wide-eyed wonder with 
   a virgin neck of porcelain. 
   Her body did not know what it was like
   to be dropped on the concrete. 

II. You’d put her in your pocket
    while you walked, wrapped
    in bubble wrap and styrofoam, and
    only exposed her
    when you needed the time. 
    But you’d always wrap her up again; 
    you could never be too careful. 

III. All this 
    wrapping and unwrapping has become
    tedious, and your
    fingerprints are fogging up her eyes
    anyway, so maybe there’s
    no point. 

IV. You walk with her in your palm; swinging
     your arms to 
     the rhythm of her breath. 
     She’s covered 
     in stickers and flower 
     thorns. 

V. She slips from your fingers and
    hits the ground. 
    Shards of her veins
    explode on the pavement. 
    Her eyes glaze over–sticky
    with your fingerprints. 
    Her neck is covered in 
    blossoming violets and roses
    you willed to bloom with 
    your breath. 
    Her hands are
    cold and cracked. 

VI. She is too far
     beyond repair, 
     and all you know how to do
     is destroy. 

VII.You step on her and
     walk away.

I love you, but…

Since when does
I love you
not mean
I love you?
Since when does it mean
I love you but…
You’renotenoughthere’ssomeone
elseletsjustbe
friendsIthinkIneedsome

space.

Since when have I been
telling myself
I love you, but…
Yourthighsaretoobigyourcheeks
aretoochubbyyourlegsaretoo
shortyourstomach’stoo
flabby.

Since when have I
expected to hear
I love you,
but
be treated like
I love you, but…

How long has love
been a lie?
How long have you been saying
I love you
but
wanting more?
Because
I love you
is not
I love you, but…

 

I love you
is
you’reperfecttome,Iknowyour
flawsbutstillandwillalways
want you, only you.

I cannot blame you.
You lied to me,
but
I love you. 

Closure

When you walked out
of my heart, you left
the door wide open.
I poured my soul out
on a paper plane
and chucked it through the
fragile frame,
hoping you’d read the words:
“Please come home.”

I sat for weeks, waiting for you
to close the gaping hole
you carelessly left;
for you to walk through and
apologize for letting the bugs in, you hadn’t meant to, it was a mistake.
but you never did,
so I got up and closed
the damn door myself.