i’d never in my life so much as dipped my pinky in a glass of wine, but my god, i was drunk on you. i was the kind of drunk where you can’t string together a sentence for the life of you and yet you reach for the vodka anyway. you were my first gasp of air after holding my breath for three years. i consumed you hungrily; you let me depend on you.
your hands
on the outer walls of a mountain
you are about to climb into,
dig your hands within
the soil. feel her move
beneath you,
hear the wind scream his name.
hear it echo in the distance,
hear it slowly begin to fade.
It would be a joke
to think I could ever forget
what this day is.This will always be
your day.For the rest of my life, I will
fight hard daily
not to miss you, but today
I will. Today you will
flood my mind as the rain
outside my window
engulfs the worms.Today I will
wallow in the regret
I have been bottling
in jars and collecting in my closet.
I will tilt my head back and
empty
every single one until
I am drunk with self-hatred,
projecting black-and-white images
of you on the inside of my forehead
when I close my eyes.Today I will
finally take the unopened gift
sitting on top of the fridge
I bought for your birthday
last year and
throw it away
alongside the wilted
beets
I never cooked.I see you sitting in
the grass blowing
out the candles and I hope
I am a psychic; but how
contradictory it is
to wish
your loved ones well and
hope they are missing you,
too.
a picture worth a thousand words
you wanted the world
to hear me say the ones
hidden
underneath my tongue
for you.
i wanted you to
taste them when you kissed
me.i turn my back
to the lens, cover
my face with my hands.
i only want these moments
as they slide between my
fingers. i only want the
blanket of your lips on
mine. i only want the
heat of you running
up my spine. i don’t
want to press flowers
between the pages
of a book. no
lingering scent
of you on my
bedsheets, no
ink on a piece
of paper to
prove you
ever set
foot
here.
i am falling apart:
a 1000-piece puzzle
even i gave up on
half-way through.
you are the wind, blowing
my pieces every
which way and
i cannot catch them all.
the universe is shining
in my eyes,
so i let my hands down
to my side and watch
myself go.
I. i remember how you sat next to me
in the backseat of her car
as it sped down the highway.
we smoked
out of a sparkly pink bowl, watching our cares
disintegrate as we blew
them out the window.
i remember pretending
to look outside so I could watch the way
you collapsed into yourself
as you exhaled your last hit.II. i remember the way you reached for me
in your sleep that night, and
i whispered that i loved you
because i knew you couldn’t hear me.III. i remember the day i saw you
for the last time. i walked you to the bus stop,
waving goodbye long after you had disintegrated
into the horizon.
i sat by the side of the road and
cried because it was then that i realized
you take the happiness you bring me
with you when
you leave.IV. today, i forgot how long the
drive down
that highway becomes without the
anticipation of seeing you
to keep me company.
i asked you for space,
but i don’t think your shadow understood
because i see it’s reflection in the sky
in the shape of the crows when they fly.
i know you have no reason
to not want to say goodbye,
but remember how i made you feel
when i whispered my way into your ear
to form mountains up and down your spine,
where your imagination would crawl to
places i did not know existed.
the day you told me you loved me,
i cried. because
if walking away without saying
a word
while I am telling you how
the darkest parts of my soul seem to be
black holes and
they are sucking me in,
or ignoring me so you can
smoke weed and watch netflix
alone,
or saying I’m not a priority,
means ‘I love you,’
I am terrified that those
three words define
something that doesn’t actually
exist.
I will drive five hours in heavy weekend traffic
so I can see the way your eyes
curve into crescent moons
when you smile.I will pick up that
ratty couch off the sidewalk
and put it in the trunk of my car
so I can see the gaps between your
teeth when you laugh with joy;
even though I know
you’re going to put it in the basement and
forget about it.I will hold your hand and take you
on hikes through tranquil forests
and let the wind infiltrate you
like a new spirit so you will laugh again,
with your whole belly, the way
you used to before him.I will throw pebbles at your
dorm room window
at 2 a.m. just so you’ll know
that even when I am awake
I’m dreaming of you, always.I will slip love notes under your door
when you are not home, so
when you return, you’ll
have a reason to smile.I will call you
when I know you’re busy so
I can leave a voicemail
telling you how wonderful you are;
I will always be in your pocket
for you to listen to on days that
never seem to end.I will buy you small presents for
no reason at all except that
they remind me of you;
just the thought of
you is a gift to me.I will sit with you and hug you
when there’s nothing to say
because even your silence
takes my breath away.If I love you, I will love you
fully, wholly, completely– with
my entire being, my entire
heart.My god, if I love you,
you will know.
Silenticel 