I’ll be doing fine. 
I’ll be able to stand on the scale and see the number and be okay. 
I’ll look in the mirror and love what I am, not hate what I am not. 

but then. 

But then I eat something
and all of a sudden I am
larger than life; I am too big
for my clothes, too big to
be loved, too big for myself. 

and then

i want to be gone. 
i want to be anyone or anything
but who i am. 
i want to shrivel up and 
die
because my self hatred weighs
on me
far heavier than the number on the scale, 
and it is too goddamn big. 

the hopelessness that 
i will forever have this body
that i hate is suffocating
me.
let
me
suffocate.