some days
you are silent
& to me it feels greater
than the 3,000 miles
between us.

& in this silence I fear
the worst
& in this silence I fear

a silence I know well

a silence I have felt
before

withdrawal of
emotions & words
intended to wound;

in my heart I know
you always call

but I am still learning
to feel silence
as more than a
punishment.

getting over a cold shoulder // a.s.m

well-water eyes like hands
reach into my chest to
squeeze my beating heart. to
stop the thumping.

well-water eyes like drills
tear holes into soft tissue and
grind teeth down with
sandpaper stares.

when the covers baptize me
in my own sweat,
i am not haunted
by the dead, but by the
living.

in our own
Waterloo, well-water
eyes that drown me in
their dark waves of
self-doubt.

well-water eyes everywhere,
making darkness permanent.
well-water eyes that
i have not yet learned how to escape.

your eyes are dark tunnels to the hell in your soul. i still hear their abuse in my mind, though you are miles away. // a.s.m

when
his fingers strum you
all you can do is sing.
or wail.
sometimes it sounds more like wailing.
and whatever he’s feeling comes out of your mouth.
whatever he’s thinking.
whatever he’s saying inside
comes out of you instead and
your throat’s sore from all the screaming
he’s feeling; from all the anger
little peach pits in his stomach
and you regurgitate them and
your throat is bloody red.

Guitarra // a.s.m

Armageddon

I was born amid chaos.
The first words to leave her lips
when I entered this world
were electric bolts of lightning;
his were thunder.
The pounding of
his fists shook my tiny universe.

I was raised amid the crumbling
walls of a marriage gone sour,
where conversations consisted of heaving chairs,
house-wide rampages, and
chillingly silent dinners.

I learned amid the uproar that
we are not safe from the monsters in our minds:
they escape through the darkness in our eyes
and the fire in our mouths.
They fuel the momentum behind the punch
and fill the cracks in our hearts.

I discovered amid the rubble that
love means fuck you and fuck off and shut up and you bitch.
That anger is holes in the wall,
bruises and scratches, and the crack in your voice.

I watched in the corner amid
the chaos I was born into, and
the Universe watched me recoil from
the destructive violence of sentiment.

I lived my life amid the thwarted truth
that the doors to the storm cellar must always remain shut
to protect others from the tornadoes inside.
And if God forbid
at some point my body could no longer hold the weight of so many
unsaid words,
and I collapse in a heap by your side, bleeding love and anger,
I must apologize; I must mop up my mess
in order to keep you clean.

But I am so fucking sick of
keeping you clean by
mopping up my messes, when
I am covered in your blood.

So I will get up and walk away.
I will speak chaos and tornadoes and destruction.
And I will not ask for your permission,
and I will not apologize