i am running
in circles from
one dead end to another
with nothing to pour myself
into but the corners of these walls
that silently scream with
termites from within.and i’m suffocating myself
with warm whispers
in ziploc bags. little
presents; promises
that were made to be broken
by gentle arms and
gentler lips.
i am inhaling stale air.
what was once
fresh is now foul,
no longer breathable, no longer able
to sustain life.
well-water eyes like hands
reach into my chest to
squeeze my beating heart. to
stop the thumping.well-water eyes like drills
tear holes into soft tissue and
grind teeth down with
sandpaper stares.when the covers baptize me
in my own sweat,
i am not haunted
by the dead, but by the
living.in our own
Waterloo, well-water
eyes that drown me in
their dark waves of
self-doubt.well-water eyes everywhere,
making darkness permanent.
well-water eyes that
i have not yet learned how to escape.
it makes sense now, you
being born during hurricane season:
the way your eyes melted
into clouds,
the way you spoke in rain,
the way you tore apart the ground
beneath my feet
(you made it look graceful, though).
you were my life’s greatest
metaphor,
and you’ve left me
looking for explanations
in every corner.
the controller is here
in my hands,
but i can’t move
my thumbs.this video game keeps going
and i am on autopilot:
an endless cycle,
straddling the line between here
and somewhere else.i know i’ve been on the other side,
i just can’t remember when
and i’m waiting for the day
that i feel awake again.
when
his fingers strum you
all you can do is sing.
or wail.
sometimes it sounds more like wailing.
and whatever he’s feeling comes out of your mouth.
whatever he’s thinking.
whatever he’s saying inside
comes out of you instead and
your throat’s sore from all the screaming
he’s feeling; from all the anger
little peach pits in his stomach
and you regurgitate them and
your throat is bloody red.
slip dreams into my drink tonight
so i may write you poetry
from the skies within my mind.
knock down the dams and let the water flow
from the nerves in my brain,
through my veins,
out my hands, onto this page.
twist your fingers between mine
and pull me back down when i get too high.
I’m sinking into the air again.
I reach out to grab your hand
but all I get is smoke.
You aren’t anywhere to be found.
I’m getting used to turning around
and not seeing you there.
You said you’d always be there for me.
I found it easy to believe–
it’s what I needed to hear.
You made that promise long ago.
It’s my fault, I should have known
you don’t keep them so well.
And I know life swept you off your feet,
took you places you’d never dreamed.
I just thought you’d take me, too.
So I’ve learned at the end of the day
everybody goes their own way.
I guess I should let go.
So much can change
in so little time.
All you had– gone–
in the blink of an eye.
Don’t dwell on the past,
it’s already gone by.
Turn your face to the future
and see how it shines.
Please trust when I say
it’ll all turn out fine,
not long after darkness
the world will be bright.
please don’t ever forget how much
i loved you.
please don’t think that because i’m gone
my love is, too.
please don’t think it stops
when my silhouette fades away.
please don’t think it doesn’t flow
just because my mouth is shut.
please understand that once
the seed is planted, it will always be
in my heart.
once i love you,
i cannot un-love you.
once i love you,
i will always love you.
please don’t forget.
please don’t think i don’t
care.
please understand that my flaw
is seeing you as perfectly imperfect.
my flaw is loving your
faults too much.
because you didn’t love mine,
and as i began falling deeper and deeper in love
with every flaw i discovered,
you were falling farther and farther out of it.
i loved you for all of you.
you loved me for parts of me.
When I left you, I was scared that I had left a part of me behind– the part that loved long hikes, exploring, deep talks, learning, and spontaneous day trips to small towns. I believed that you were part of what made me who I was, and if you weren’t in my life, I wouldn’t be adventurous or kind or spontaneous anymore. I didn’t see that all of that was already in me. I thought I needed you in order to love myself.
I could not see that everything I loved about you– all the things I loved doing with you– were already inside me. I didn’t need you. I don’t need you. Everything I was scared to lose about you, I’ve discovered in myself. It was there all along, it was just masked in our relationship. I don’t need you to be myself. I am me without you. I am the same without you.
Silenticel 