leyitah – Silenticel

It would be a joke
to think I could ever forget
what this day is.

This will always be
your day.

For the rest of my life, I will
fight hard daily
not to miss you, but today
I will. Today you will
flood my mind as the rain
outside my window
engulfs the worms.

Today I will
wallow in the regret
I have been bottling
in jars and collecting in my closet.
I will tilt my head back and
empty
every single one until
I am drunk with self-hatred,
projecting black-and-white images
of you on the inside of my forehead
when I close my eyes.

Today I will
finally take the unopened gift
sitting on top of the fridge
I bought for your birthday
last year and
throw it away
alongside the wilted
beets
I never cooked.

I see you sitting in
the grass blowing
out the candles and I hope
I am a psychic; but how
contradictory it is
to wish
your loved ones well and
hope they are missing you,
too.

October 28th, 2015: happy birthday, leyitah // a.s.m

I. i remember how you sat next to me
in the backseat of her car
as it sped down the highway.
we smoked
out of a sparkly pink bowl, watching our cares
disintegrate as we blew
them out the window.
i remember pretending
to look outside so I could watch the way
you collapsed into yourself
as you exhaled your last hit.

II. i remember the way you reached for me
in your sleep that night, and
i whispered that i loved you
because i knew you couldn’t hear me.

III. i remember the day i saw you
for the last time. i walked you to the bus stop,
waving goodbye long after you had disintegrated
into the horizon.
i sat by the side of the road and
cried because it was then that i realized
you take the happiness you bring me
with you when
you leave.

IV. today, i forgot how long the
drive down
that highway becomes without the
anticipation of seeing you
to keep me company.

little notes to leah: i still replay memories of you all the time // a.s.m