the day you told me you loved me,
i cried. because
if walking away without saying
a word
while I am telling you how
the darkest parts of my soul seem to be
black holes and
they are sucking me in,
or ignoring me so you can
smoke weed and watch netflix
alone,
or saying I’m not a priority,
means ‘I love you,’
I am terrified that those
three words define
something that doesn’t actually
exist.
palms to the sky
a patient sacrifice, i’m waiting for ink
to spill from my veins; to taste of something
other than you.because i haven’t kissed you
in over two months, and yet
you are still in my bloodstream
somehow.
because every fucking poem, every song,
every sunset is about you and
i’m sick of going to sleep
praying for relief from thoughts
of your eyes, only to see them
in my dreams.and i don’t understand how it’s fair that
you’re biting her bottom lip
the way i used to bite yours and not
thinking of me, and yet i am
hit with memories like rocks
to my temple,
sending my sandcastles
tumbling.
I was your shooting star: just
a bright wish passing by
to get you through a dark time. But
you are my moon, persistently
invading my
thoughts at night and burning
your afterimage into my
mind.
You were only
the second person
I understood how to love.
I was naive– I still hadn’t learned
that love isn’t
bleeding out onto the card table
and showing everyone your hand;
that in order to win,
you had to bluff.And I came in like a hurricane and
tore apart the small space
you had just started feeling like you could call home.
I asked for a room– you weren’t sure
you had any.But I made myself a copy
of your keys and slept
at the foot of your bed until
you finally started leaving
extra eggs in the frying pan for me
in the mornings.
But you never were one for routine.You were a runner,
you said. You didn’t like to stay still.
You could find home within yourself but
were too scared to rent out property
in anybody else.I told you I was looking
for a tenant.When I finally started making an indent
in your mattress,
you locked me out.‘It’s too risky,’ you said,
‘this real estate game.’
I will drive five hours in heavy weekend traffic
so I can see the way your eyes
curve into crescent moons
when you smile.I will pick up that
ratty couch off the sidewalk
and put it in the trunk of my car
so I can see the gaps between your
teeth when you laugh with joy;
even though I know
you’re going to put it in the basement and
forget about it.I will hold your hand and take you
on hikes through tranquil forests
and let the wind infiltrate you
like a new spirit so you will laugh again,
with your whole belly, the way
you used to before him.I will throw pebbles at your
dorm room window
at 2 a.m. just so you’ll know
that even when I am awake
I’m dreaming of you, always.I will slip love notes under your door
when you are not home, so
when you return, you’ll
have a reason to smile.I will call you
when I know you’re busy so
I can leave a voicemail
telling you how wonderful you are;
I will always be in your pocket
for you to listen to on days that
never seem to end.I will buy you small presents for
no reason at all except that
they remind me of you;
just the thought of
you is a gift to me.I will sit with you and hug you
when there’s nothing to say
because even your silence
takes my breath away.If I love you, I will love you
fully, wholly, completely– with
my entire being, my entire
heart.My god, if I love you,
you will know.
unless you’ve been there
when the world has knocked
me in the chest and released
the air from my lungs like a loose balloon;unless you’ve been there
to kiss away the memories i’ve
etched into my skin, unless
you know my scars by name;unless you’ve been there
to simply hold me when
crying becomes like breathing and
i cannot remember how to laugh;unless you’ve been there
to kiss me in the morning
after i’ve stolen the blankets
throughout the night;unless you’ve been there
to call me the day after
i couldn’t say a word, unless
you’ve stayed through dinner
with my family, unless
you’ve stuck around even though
sometimes i scare you shitless;unless you’ve kissed my forehead
after dining with me in hell,
do not tell me
you love me.
i’m in some sort
of fucked up purgatory.
dancing between
reaching for the phone and
reaching for my throat
because
it’s my fault you’re gone
it’s my fault i’m gone
but at least i’m not
on fire anymore.and i want to call you.
sometimes i go so far as to
hear the dial tone before i remember
i deleted your number
and never bothered to memorize it.
i never thought i’d need to.and sometimes i go so far as to
imagine what it would be like to have you
in my life again until
i remember how much it hurt
the first time around;
how heaven and hell were never meant to be
together because
that’s what being with you was and
it was a cycle so vicious
i couldn’t for the life of me tear myself away.but i did.
and in the process i lost
my skin from where
we were attached
at the hips.
the scar reminds me why i cannot go back.
because my hands might as well be ghosts,
the way they touch you.
because my lips are useless
if they never meet your skin.
because i will always love you,
and you
will always love someone else.
i walked to the river today–
the one we hiked to
on
our first date.
I sat in the flowers,
the same ones I sat in when
you looked at me like
I was something
you’d never seen before
and asked me what music I liked.
I walked to the river today–the one
you and I got lost
trying to find.
I hiked the trail to
the rock where
you told me I was beautiful
for the first time.
Do you still hear my laugh
in the ripples of the river?
Do you still listen for me
when the trees sing like the rain?
Because despite all the time that’s passed,
I still see your eyes in the summer grass
between my fingers,
and these
waters will always
whisper your name.
please don’t ever forget how much
i loved you.
please don’t think that because i’m gone
my love is, too.
please don’t think it stops
when my silhouette fades away.
please don’t think it doesn’t flow
just because my mouth is shut.
please understand that once
the seed is planted, it will always be
in my heart.
once i love you,
i cannot un-love you.
once i love you,
i will always love you.
please don’t forget.
please don’t think i don’t
care.
please understand that my flaw
is seeing you as perfectly imperfect.
my flaw is loving your
faults too much.
because you didn’t love mine,
and as i began falling deeper and deeper in love
with every flaw i discovered,
you were falling farther and farther out of it.
i loved you for all of you.
you loved me for parts of me.
She was always so animated when she talked. You could stare at her for hours, observing the way she used her hands when she was excited, or how her eyebrows would furrow and wrinkle when she was deep in thought. Her face was a poem you knew by heart.
But her eyes– there was something about her eyes– the way they darted and fluttered like a bird, never landing anywhere for more than a few seconds. Never finding home. Always wary of settling anyplace for too long– as though if you had a second to look into them you might see pain you’d never noticed before; and if she looked into yours, she might see love and not know what to do with it.
Silenticel 