i’m really goddamn fed up
of trying and failing to
wear my heart on my sleeve.
i no longer want to live
in fear of keeping it exposed
where it can get
bumped and bruised.
i want to tear it off
and
force it down your throat.
i want you
to taste the regret in my
blood and finally know
how long its been marinating.
a hug is
not a luxury when all
one hundred and thirty five
of your family
members live in the
same city in the desert and
you’ve called your mom’s
best friend ‘aunty Ani’ since
before you knew
she didn’t share the same
blood.
we exchange a
currency of kisses in
this microcosm of handwoven hotplates.
fifty of your closest relatives
come over for Christmas, and yet
the house is much too quiet
without your uncle here this year.
love is not lacking
in this house. it is thrown
around like loose change.
it is in every crevice
between the kitchen tiles,
behind every child’s ear. it is
something you feel long
before you learn to define
it. it is
in every molecule of
air that engulfs us.
i’d never in my life so much as dipped my pinky in a glass of wine, but my god, i was drunk on you. i was the kind of drunk where you can’t string together a sentence for the life of you and yet you reach for the vodka anyway. you were my first gasp of air after holding my breath for three years. i consumed you hungrily; you let me depend on you.
we’re drunk
and i ask if i can kiss you
even though i don’t
wait for an answer.
i feel your lips move with mine.
this is the first time
we’re dancing. your eyes
look different than they do
from far away.
have they always
had this much to say?
have they always been burning
holes in my heart?
your doe eyes only know
innocence.
your lungs still breathe love.
your cheek against my
hand, so trusting that
i will not
hurt you.
you fall asleep beside me,
sure that i will still be
by your side
when the skies turn
orange.
i want
my fingers to tell
the story of how the
freckles on your collarbones
burst into stars under
my lips. you are an
entire galaxy beneath me
and i have
fallen hopelessly into you.
i am not quite sure
i could find my way
out if i wanted to.
i think perhaps
small bits of my
heart are eroding
off and being
carried through my blood
stream to my brain because
i’ve been having trouble
separating the two
lately. i’m worried
pieces
of my heart have
taken root in the striatum
(an invasive species on once fertile soils):
i fear i may do
something stupid.
Can you even really love someone if there aren’t parts of them that irk you?
your name on my tongue
(the only fruit i will not eat)
is overripe,
no longer sweet– past it’s prime
and overdue–
my heart no longer aches for you.
there are no words that i could write
to fully repaint that summer night:
the grass deep green, the sky blood red
the thoughts of death flooding my headthe ghost of your warm hands in mine
mem’ries of green eyes and lips of wine
the only thing i wanted to do
was tangle myself back up in youi sat and watched the city lights
the day slowly melting to night
the way the moon shone– like your face–
drowned the city lights in graceyou left no beauty when you went
my mind gone numb, my heart left spent
i lost control, then came the tears
alone with all my greatest fearsthose tears i shed, the guilt i felt
can’t change the cards that i’ve been dealt
and with each step your face will fade
one day i’ll breathe without you, unafraid.
Silenticel 