ether
a dream
a memory
from a life lived
or livingmaybe mine
maybe someone
else’ssleepy
sun, still
waking, weaving
between blades
of thick Iowa grass
yellowing and resoluteworshipping
their golden
god.eternal beds
canopied with iron gatesglorious even in
decaying.
it is always
mitigation with you,
always putting out fires but
never trying to prevent them
letting the sagebrush grow
just enough that you can
consume it again
but i thought you were the adult
here
i thought being an adult meant
knowing how to love
like really
love without hurting
each other
you yell at me from across
the table &
even in the dim light
i know there are eyes
on us
& in silence i stare at
you & marvel
that of all the conceptions
occurring in the year of 1994,
of all the uteruses &
fetuses to inhabit those uteruses
& consciousnesses to inhabit those fetuses
God decided to give me
to you
it hurts too much to think
there was no method to this
again, you apologize
& allow the act in itself
to forgive you
you snore heavily in the car
as i drive us home.
while you dream i wonder
when i will finally say
it’s okay
some days
you are silent
& to me it feels greater
than the 3,000 miles
between us.
& in this silence I fear
the worst
& in this silence I feara silence I know well
a silence I have felt
beforewithdrawal of
emotions & words
intended to wound;
in my heart I know
you always callbut I am still learning
to feel silence
as more than a
punishment.
i have nothing left
for you to love
these bones have been bled
dry by eyes
that have taken lifetimes
to understand,
and i
want to leave this world
as nameless as i entered it.
lost in space
& timethe look in your eyes
the static
of your skin
touching mine& like a universe
ever-expanding, this sense ofeternity pulls
at me, magnetic
& dizzying.
thank you for creating me
and destroying me
so i may recreate myself.
you taught me to undress the moon
i’m pretty sure i could love you
i’m pretty sure i already do
i know you love me,
but it doesn’t make me
feel less alonesometimes i want to ask you if
you’ve ever been
swallowed whole by something
entirely separate from yourself
but something you know
was born inside youfermenting in the warm, dark
parts
expanding & shrinking
breathing
feeding
off of words & feelings
you don’t have names or reasons forsometimes i want to ask you
if there are parts of yourself
you’re not sure you can
controlbut
when i look in your eyes
unwavering
like nothing has ever made you
fear
your own mindi know you love me,
i know you will say
no.
i buried my bruises
in an unmarked grave
bouquets, hues of
blacks and blues and
greens
and as i recall each one
you’ve given me, i decide
it’s time for
a proper burial
i call you,
i call you & i tell you
my body has been shaking today
uncontrollably
like from my core
radiating outward to my
fingertips to my thighs to my toesi am vibrating
like everything within me is vibrating
& i feel it in my mind, too
& you say “embrace it"
& i laugh& i cry
at the evening news &
that video of quintuplets
embracing
each other on the kitchen floor
so full of love
without language
without knowledge
of this worldwhen i shake
my mind leaves me
& i wonder where it goes
when it goes
if i’m visiting
friends in other planes
with names i don’t know
who i don’t remember when i come back,when i come back to you & you
tell me to embrace it
embrace crying
embrace screaming beneath my bathwater
embrace being overwhelmed & not really
understanding
things i tell myself i need to understand
to be human
but i guess that’s not truebecause what do those babies
know? nothing, really
& they’re human & they love
& they are loved
& i’m a little more
conscious
of should be’s &
should not’s & should have’s
but maybe this is really
a beginning.
Silenticel 