unless you’ve been there
when the world has knocked
me in the chest and released
the air from my lungs like a loose balloon;

unless you’ve been there
to kiss away the memories i’ve
etched into my skin, unless
you know my scars by name;

unless you’ve been there
to simply hold me when
crying becomes like breathing and
i cannot remember how to laugh;

unless you’ve been there
to kiss me in the morning
after i’ve stolen the blankets
throughout the night;

unless you’ve been there
to call me the day after
i couldn’t say a word, unless
you’ve stayed through dinner
with my family, unless
you’ve stuck around even though
sometimes i scare you shitless;

unless you’ve kissed my forehead
after dining with me in hell,
do not tell me
you love me.

do not tell me you love me if you haven’t seen the ugly // a.s.m

i assured myself his eyes
would always search for me
in the cracks between the pavement
and his ears would listen for me
when the wolves
howled at night.
but now i know
he’s filled those cracks
with softer skin and
while the wolves
howl, his ears are full
of her laughter,
and so
it doesn’t
even
matter.
i am nothing
to him anymore.
and so a piece of me dies.
i am a little less
of who i was before.

does a piece of me die every time someone stops loving me? // a.s.m

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back in the same way is a suffering unlike any other. Every minute in their presence is a reminder of what you are not, what you never will be: enough for them. And in the process of loving them, you end up hating yourself.

don’t you know this is why i had to leave? // a.s.m

i’m in some sort
of fucked up purgatory.
dancing between
reaching for the phone and
reaching for my throat
because
it’s my fault you’re gone
it’s my fault i’m gone
but at least i’m not
on fire anymore.

and i want to call you.
sometimes i go so far as to
hear the dial tone before i remember
i deleted your number
and never bothered to memorize it.
i never thought i’d need to.

and sometimes i go so far as to
imagine what it would be like to have you
in my life again until
i remember how much it hurt
the first time around;
how heaven and hell were never meant to be
together because
that’s what being with you was and
it was a cycle so vicious
i couldn’t for the life of me tear myself away.

but i did.

and in the process i lost
my skin from where
we were attached
at the hips.
the scar reminds me why i cannot go back.
because my hands might as well be ghosts,
the way they touch you.
because my lips are useless
if they never meet your skin.
because i will always love you,
and you
will always love someone else.

and even on my best days, my soul wasn’t enough // a.s.m

if ever you feel far from home,
please know that you are not alone.
for I, too, have wandered far
and made my bed among the stars.

and if you know not where to go,
look to the skies, the ground below
and know another pair of eyes
is seeking out the same advice.

and if your voice shakes when you speak,
please know it does not make you weak.
look at the sun– see how it shines?
you, too, were made from dust divine.

if the future makes you doubt
your life will figure itself out,
be still– the universe knows all
and does not let her dear ones fall.

and when from wand’ring you’ve had your fill
and yearn for your soul to be still,
look inside you to find peace–
the waves within will finally cease.

if within yourself your soul finds rest, you’ll discover home inside your chest // a.s.m

Fenton

i walked to the river today–
 the one we hiked to  on
our first date.
 I sat in the flowers,
the same ones I sat in when 
you looked at me like
 I was something 
you’d never seen before
 and asked me what music I liked.

I walked to the river today–the one
you and I got lost
 trying to find.
 I hiked the trail to  the rock where
you told me I was beautiful 
for the first time.

Do you still hear my laugh 
in the ripples of the river?
Do you still listen for me
 when the trees sing like the rain?
 Because despite all the time that’s passed,
I still see your eyes in the summer grass 
between my fingers,  and these
waters will always  whisper your name.

I’ll Still Think of You When I Smell Cigarette Smoke

I’m sinking into the air again.
I reach out to grab your hand
but all I get is smoke.

You aren’t anywhere to be found.
I’m getting used to turning around
and not seeing you there.

You said you’d always be there for me.
I found it easy to believe–
it’s what I needed to hear.

You made that promise long ago.
It’s my fault, I should have known
you don’t keep them so well.

And I know life swept you off your feet,
took you places you’d never dreamed.
I just thought you’d take me, too.

So I’ve learned at the end of the day
everybody goes their own way.
I guess I should let go.

Fe

So much can change
in so little time.
All you had– gone–
in the blink of an eye.
Don’t dwell on the past,
it’s already gone by.
Turn your face to the future
and see how it shines.
Please trust when I say
it’ll all turn out fine,
not long after darkness
the world will be bright.

please don’t ever forget how much
i loved you.
please don’t think that because i’m gone
my love is, too.
please don’t think it stops
when my silhouette fades away.
please don’t think it doesn’t flow
just because my mouth is shut.
please understand that once
the seed is planted, it will always be
in my heart.
once i love you,
i cannot un-love you.
once i love you,
i will always love you.
please don’t forget.
please don’t think i don’t
care.
please understand that my flaw
is seeing you as perfectly imperfect.
my flaw is loving your
faults too much.
because you didn’t love mine,
and as i began falling deeper and deeper in love
with every flaw i discovered,
you were falling farther and farther out of it.
i loved you for all of you.
you loved me for parts of me.

i gave you all the love i had for you, and all the love i did not know how to give myself // a.s.m

My Least Favorite Word

Probably:
the guarantee
of a lukewarm promise that
may or may not be
broken.

Probably: like babbling
brooks and babies. Like
babbling on and on and on;
empty words
just to fill the space
you were so afraid
of.

Probably:
a thumbs up for empty air and
words that pop like bubbles.
A contract signed with
probably in the
fine print scares me.

As I curl into your back I whisper:
will you still love me in the morning?
Only the sticky air replies:
hopefully,
maybe,
probably.