Tag: new poets society

there is so much within me
things i don’t understand
that overwhelm me

like standing in one of those lottery games
where the dollar bills fly all around you
& you have to try & catch them

my emotions
& physical sensations
fly every which way within me
and all i can do is watch them swim around my head
dizzying
nameless 

& i don’t understand how to name them
i don’t even understand how to feel them
how to hold them
how to make them feel whole &
heard & known so they can 
stop haunting me

there is so much within me
i don’t know how to feel.

a.s.m

forgiveness is falling from
the sky
pushing dirt and gravel 
down the streets, 
singing. 

and i stand outside
mouth and heart open 
wide and let it 
drench me, inside 
and out

clean and
consume me.

and as it permeates my skin, 
i will not fight it 
but let it in.

i’m ready to forgive // a.s.m

it is always
mitigation with you,
always putting out fires but
never trying to prevent them
letting the sagebrush grow
just enough that you can
consume it again


but i thought you were the adult
here


i thought being an adult meant
knowing how to love
like really
love without hurting
each other


you yell at me from across
the table &
even in the dim light
i know there are eyes 
on us


& in silence i stare at
you & marvel
that of all the conceptions
occurring in the year of 1994,
of all the uteruses &
fetuses to inhabit those uteruses
& consciousnesses to inhabit those fetuses
God decided to give me
to you


it hurts too much to think
there was no method to this


again, you apologize
& allow the act in itself
to forgive you


you snore heavily in the car
as i drive us home.
while you dream i wonder
when i will finally say
it’s okay

a.s.m 

some days
you are silent
& to me it feels greater
than the 3,000 miles
between us.


& in this silence I fear
the worst
& in this silence I fear

a silence I know well

a silence I have felt
before

withdrawal of
emotions & words
intended to wound;


in my heart I know
you always call

but I am still learning
to feel silence
as more than a
punishment.

getting over a cold shoulder // a.s.m

i know you love me,
but it doesn’t make me
feel less alone

sometimes i want to ask you if
you’ve ever been
swallowed whole by something
entirely separate from yourself 
but something you know
was born inside you

fermenting in the warm, dark
parts
expanding & shrinking
breathing
feeding
off of words & feelings
you don’t have names or reasons for

sometimes i want to ask you
if there are parts of yourself
you’re not sure you can
control

but 

when i look in your eyes
unwavering
like nothing has ever made you
fear
your own mind

i know you love me,

i know you will say
no.

alone // a.s.m