this faucet is about
to burst open
and leak blood
and i honestly feel like
i have fucked up too
many times to count
i have fucked up too
many times to forgive
myself and i don’t
understand how i am able to
live inside this body and able to
live with these mistakes and
trudge through mud that glues my boots into place
and somehow still get somewhere.
i am amazed at how far i can walk,
disgusted by how much mud i am covered in.

sometimes my anxiety makes me feel like i am stuck in the mud // a.s.m

i tried, i tried
so hard not to
step on your toes, even though
sometimes i felt like
you’d intentionally poke them out
under the crack of your door to see if
i might do it anyway.

i tried so hard to
make sure
you had room to breath;
that when you looked over your shoulder
i wasn’t always there. even though
sometimes all i wanted to do was kiss you.

i let you breathe.
i let you breathe without me.
and i think you realized that
sometimes the air is fresher when you’re alone.

I am so tired of having to try so hard to make you happy, only to lose myself in the process.

If I cannot make you happy simply by breathing, perhaps I cannot make you happy at all.

if you really loved me, i wouldn’t have to try so hard to make you happy: a person who loves you will be overjoyed simply because you are alive // a.s.m

please don’t leave me alone
tonight. there are spiders
in the corners of my mind,
spinning webs that spell out his name
and i’m afraid
if your arms aren’t wrapped
around me i will soon
be wrapped in silk instead.

please don’t leave me on the nights i need you the most // a.s.m

Every now and then
I fall in love again,
but I think
you’ll always have my heart.

i don’t think i will ever really be over you // a.s.m

There’s a difference between missing someone and missing having someone.

you don’t miss me, you’re just lonely // a.s.m

I either feel like I’m too much or not enough.

i’ve never felt just right for anybody // a.s.m

I’ll Still Think of You When I Smell Cigarette Smoke

I’m sinking into the air again.
I reach out to grab your hand
but all I get is smoke.

You aren’t anywhere to be found.
I’m getting used to turning around
and not seeing you there.

You said you’d always be there for me.
I found it easy to believe–
it’s what I needed to hear.

You made that promise long ago.
It’s my fault, I should have known
you don’t keep them so well.

And I know life swept you off your feet,
took you places you’d never dreamed.
I just thought you’d take me, too.

So I’ve learned at the end of the day
everybody goes their own way.
I guess I should let go.

Fe

So much can change
in so little time.
All you had– gone–
in the blink of an eye.
Don’t dwell on the past,
it’s already gone by.
Turn your face to the future
and see how it shines.
Please trust when I say
it’ll all turn out fine,
not long after darkness
the world will be bright.

please don’t ever forget how much
i loved you.
please don’t think that because i’m gone
my love is, too.
please don’t think it stops
when my silhouette fades away.
please don’t think it doesn’t flow
just because my mouth is shut.
please understand that once
the seed is planted, it will always be
in my heart.
once i love you,
i cannot un-love you.
once i love you,
i will always love you.
please don’t forget.
please don’t think i don’t
care.
please understand that my flaw
is seeing you as perfectly imperfect.
my flaw is loving your
faults too much.
because you didn’t love mine,
and as i began falling deeper and deeper in love
with every flaw i discovered,
you were falling farther and farther out of it.
i loved you for all of you.
you loved me for parts of me.

i gave you all the love i had for you, and all the love i did not know how to give myself // a.s.m