i don’t know your face anymore,
it’s just a place i’m looking for.
some chemical’s breaking down the glue
that’s been binding me to you.
i thought love watched over this house,
but you’re boarding up the windows now,
and an empty house is not a home.

watch it all dissolve around you,
burning little holes in love.
drag your heart up to the starting line–
each heart a paper kite blown by the breeze,
love won’t rest till it brings you to your knees.

but the wind wouldn’t blow me home–
i’ve missed my turn, strayed too far
from the road.
i lost my heart, i buried it
too deep.

nothing comes easy to a cage like heart // a.s.m

the day you told me you loved me,
i cried. because
if walking away without saying
a word
while I am telling you how
the darkest parts of my soul seem to be
black holes and
they are sucking me in,
or ignoring me so you can
smoke weed and watch netflix
alone,
or saying I’m not a priority,
means ‘I love you,’
I am terrified that those
three words define
something that doesn’t actually
exist.

did it really mean anything? // a.s.m

I will drive five hours in heavy weekend traffic
so I can see the way your eyes
curve into crescent moons
when you smile.

I will pick up that
ratty couch off the sidewalk
and put it in the trunk of my car
so I can see the gaps between your
teeth when you laugh with joy;
even though I know
you’re going to put it in the basement and
forget about it.

I will hold your hand and take you
on hikes through tranquil forests
and let the wind infiltrate you
like a new spirit so you will laugh again,
with your whole belly, the way
you used to before him.

I will throw pebbles at your
dorm room window
at 2 a.m. just so you’ll know
that even when I am awake
I’m dreaming of you, always.

I will slip love notes under your door
when you are not home, so
when you return, you’ll
have a reason to smile.

I will call you
when I know you’re busy so
I can leave a voicemail
telling you how wonderful you are;
I will always be in your pocket
for you to listen to on days that
never seem to end.

I will buy you small presents for
no reason at all except that
they remind me of you;
just the thought of
you is a gift to me.

I will sit with you and hug you
when there’s nothing to say
because even your silence
takes my breath away.

If I love you, I will love you
fully, wholly, completely– with
my entire being, my entire
heart.

My god, if I love you,
you will know.

and if you haven’t realized it by now, you’re a fool // a.s.m

My therapist once told me that overcoming an addiction is a daily battle: I will always crave a cigarette on my lunch breaks, and I will always instinctively reach for a razor blade when life is on overdrive. Every day is a war with my mind to not give in to itself. I wonder if it’s going to be like that with you, too. I wonder if every day I will fight not to pick up the phone just so I can hear your voice.

people are drugs, too // a.s.m

unless you’ve been there
when the world has knocked
me in the chest and released
the air from my lungs like a loose balloon;

unless you’ve been there
to kiss away the memories i’ve
etched into my skin, unless
you know my scars by name;

unless you’ve been there
to simply hold me when
crying becomes like breathing and
i cannot remember how to laugh;

unless you’ve been there
to kiss me in the morning
after i’ve stolen the blankets
throughout the night;

unless you’ve been there
to call me the day after
i couldn’t say a word, unless
you’ve stayed through dinner
with my family, unless
you’ve stuck around even though
sometimes i scare you shitless;

unless you’ve kissed my forehead
after dining with me in hell,
do not tell me
you love me.

do not tell me you love me if you haven’t seen the ugly // a.s.m

Fenton

i walked to the river today–
 the one we hiked to  on
our first date.
 I sat in the flowers,
the same ones I sat in when 
you looked at me like
 I was something 
you’d never seen before
 and asked me what music I liked.

I walked to the river today–the one
you and I got lost
 trying to find.
 I hiked the trail to  the rock where
you told me I was beautiful 
for the first time.

Do you still hear my laugh 
in the ripples of the river?
Do you still listen for me
 when the trees sing like the rain?
 Because despite all the time that’s passed,
I still see your eyes in the summer grass 
between my fingers,  and these
waters will always  whisper your name.

I’ll Still Think of You When I Smell Cigarette Smoke

I’m sinking into the air again.
I reach out to grab your hand
but all I get is smoke.

You aren’t anywhere to be found.
I’m getting used to turning around
and not seeing you there.

You said you’d always be there for me.
I found it easy to believe–
it’s what I needed to hear.

You made that promise long ago.
It’s my fault, I should have known
you don’t keep them so well.

And I know life swept you off your feet,
took you places you’d never dreamed.
I just thought you’d take me, too.

So I’ve learned at the end of the day
everybody goes their own way.
I guess I should let go.

Fe

So much can change
in so little time.
All you had– gone–
in the blink of an eye.
Don’t dwell on the past,
it’s already gone by.
Turn your face to the future
and see how it shines.
Please trust when I say
it’ll all turn out fine,
not long after darkness
the world will be bright.

please don’t ever forget how much
i loved you.
please don’t think that because i’m gone
my love is, too.
please don’t think it stops
when my silhouette fades away.
please don’t think it doesn’t flow
just because my mouth is shut.
please understand that once
the seed is planted, it will always be
in my heart.
once i love you,
i cannot un-love you.
once i love you,
i will always love you.
please don’t forget.
please don’t think i don’t
care.
please understand that my flaw
is seeing you as perfectly imperfect.
my flaw is loving your
faults too much.
because you didn’t love mine,
and as i began falling deeper and deeper in love
with every flaw i discovered,
you were falling farther and farther out of it.
i loved you for all of you.
you loved me for parts of me.

i gave you all the love i had for you, and all the love i did not know how to give myself // a.s.m

My Least Favorite Word

Probably:
the guarantee
of a lukewarm promise that
may or may not be
broken.

Probably: like babbling
brooks and babies. Like
babbling on and on and on;
empty words
just to fill the space
you were so afraid
of.

Probably:
a thumbs up for empty air and
words that pop like bubbles.
A contract signed with
probably in the
fine print scares me.

As I curl into your back I whisper:
will you still love me in the morning?
Only the sticky air replies:
hopefully,
maybe,
probably.