‘go as high as you can possibly take me.’
you sold me a piece of paper and
told me it would make me
fly.
now i’m crashing into walls,
you’re terrorizing my mind.
this shit is going up in smoke,
my mind before my heart.
you once said you’d rather die
than watch me burn, but
i am almost all ashes
and your heart’s still beating
on rhythm. when did you realize
you had told us both a lie?
you said you wouldn’t let me burn.
how long have you been
playing with fire?
I. i wish you’d stop apologizing for me. i’m sick of feeling like i was born an apology.
II. i know you’d never intentionally hurt me. but you have, you do, and you will.
III. i know you have the rare gift of seeing the angels inside of us, and that your first instinct is to hold those angels close and shelter them. but you need to let us go. you need to give us room to be individuals who experience pain and make mistakes.
IV. i know i have, do, and will hurt you, too. i’m sorry.
V. i learned a while ago that the less i told you i loved you, the less you’d yell at me. so i stopped saying it.
VI. i love you.
VII. sometimes i hear your stubbornness in my own voice and fear i will grow to sound just like you. it took me a while to find my own voice, but it’s here, and i’m learning to be loud.
VIII. i used to put my headphones on, hang my neck off the edge of my bed, let the tears roll up my head and wish i had a different mother. i don’t anymore.
IX. thank you for all that you’ve done. thank you for nursing us with chunks of your heart. for continuing to feed us even when you felt like there was none of you left. thank you for loving me even when you didn’t want to. thank you for emptying yourself so we could crawl inside. thank you for never giving up. thank you for somehow finding the light within us and reflecting it back at us when all we felt was darkness. thank you for molding me into who i am today.
it’s so cold out here,
my bones are vibrating.
my thumb seems to have forgotten
how to flick a lighter,
but i don’t feel the icy tongue
of the wind on my skin.
i am half-cooked: well done
on the outside, but raw
in the core. perhaps
all i need is a cigarette
to light me. but i know fires
never last on the coldest nights;
even the brightest flames
eventually die.
i can’t hold this
damn bogie still enough
for it to
kiss the flame; the moons
of my fingers are turning purple
and the rawness is
creeping to the surface.
I don’t love you anymore, but I am still hopelessly in love with who you used to be.
ice cube
goosebumps,
kiss me with snowball
lips. melt the ice
stuck between my teeth;
melt me.
pour me in a pitcher,
swallow me whole
so i may glide past your heart
to osmotize into
your cells
and never leave.
where your life’s supposed to start
to fall apart
to see the world
to burn the one i made for myself
to find home
to leave the only one i’ve ever known
to start a life
has nothing before this counted as ‘life’?
to figure out
you can’t figure it all out
there’s nothing new after this
it’s the same life in a different light
you’ll be fine.
I’m sinking into the air again.
I reach out to grab your hand
but all I get is smoke.
You aren’t anywhere to be found.
I’m getting used to turning around
and not seeing you there.
You said you’d always be there for me.
I found it easy to believe–
it’s what I needed to hear.
You made that promise long ago.
It’s my fault, I should have known
you don’t keep them so well.
And I know life swept you off your feet,
took you places you’d never dreamed.
I just thought you’d take me, too.
So I’ve learned at the end of the day
everybody goes their own way.
I guess I should let go.
Silenticel 