it is always
mitigation with you,
always putting out fires but
never trying to prevent them
letting the sagebrush grow
just enough that you can
consume it again

but i thought you were the adult
here

i thought being an adult meant
knowing how to love
like really
love without hurting
each other

you yell at me from across
the table &
even in the dim light
i know there are eyes
on us

& in silence i stare at
you & marvel
that of all the conceptions
occurring in the year of 1994,
of all the uteruses &
fetuses to inhabit those uteruses
& consciousnesses to inhabit those fetuses
God decided to give me
to you

it hurts too much to think
there was no method to this

again, you apologize
& allow the act in itself
to forgive you

you snore heavily in the car
as i drive us home.
while you dream i wonder
when i will finally say
it’s okay

a.s.m

You Had So Much Space, You Just Wouldn’t Give It Up For Me

wingedpiglets:

I’ve lived my entire life
squeezing myself into pockets
working so hard to shrink,
to be smaller, to take up less
space– to give others more room because
they’ve always seemed more important
to me than myself.

But when I met you,
for the very first time
in my life, I wanted
to take up more space:
in your heart,
in your mind,
in your life. Uninhibited,
I opened my floodgates and let you into
all of me,

but you pushed me away
when you weren’t willing to share
yourself, and I could feel myself withering,
shrinking,
closing up like a clam shell.

I’ve lived my life torturing myself by working so hard to shrink.
I am so sick of asking you for more space.

you are a pond
in the dead of winter

and i heave myself at you like
a stone that shatters
the still surface

sending splinters echoing
through the ice
like small electric currents

i unsettle
the mud that has lain
tranquil at the bottom

and i turn the water brown

i scare the fish
away.

untitled // a.s.m

by your side
i dream of other skies
other times
even other cities

in two-car gridlock
bittersweet stalemate
no moves to make but
everything at stake

i dream of breaking the
glass and bleeding
and healing.

gridlock // a.s.m

you were famished
from birth, waiting for
this world to give you your fill.
i tripped into your arms,
you came in for the kill.

you bite
with ravenous lips
and starving eyes;
part of you is born and
part of me dies.

blood donor // a.s.m

we can’t build a castle
from these ruins.
a foundation of rubble and sand
will disintegrate in
the slightest wind,
we will always be nothing
again.

sand castle // a.s.m

for the first time,
i feel a different kind
of alive.

something is sprouting
within me: a hunger for
the taste of your skin
on my lips, your warmth
beside me.

i’ve always used a
fork and knife, never
indulged the animal
inside.

but tonight you look
so good.
tonight, i think
i could.

full moon // a.s.m

i think we forget that love is a dynamic thing.
love is alive.
it changes.
it crescendos.
it ebbs and flows.

you can fall in love with the same person for
a million different reasons and
in a million different ways,
multiple times a day.

you can love them for things
they’ve done in the past and
who they have become.

you can fall out of love,
too.

if you find yourself only loving the past version of that person;
if you do not fall in love with that person daily,
that love is growing stale.

because love is only truly alive
in the present.

love that person for who they are right now,
not for anything they did in the past nor for
anything they promise for the future.

love can only grow in the present.

a.s.m

I Think I Love Him

I’m okay
except for
the fact that when you ask me if I am,
instead of thinking about him,
I cannot stop thinking
of how your eyes are the color of
burnt caramel.

Closure

When you walked out
of my heart, you left
the door wide open.
I poured my soul out
on a paper plane
and chucked it through the
fragile frame,
hoping you’d read the words:
“Please come home.”

I sat for weeks, waiting for you
to close the gaping hole
you carelessly left;
for you to walk through and
apologize for letting the bugs in, you hadn’t meant to, it was a mistake.
but you never did,
so I got up and closed
the damn door myself.