Tag: spilled emotions

Armageddon

I was born amid chaos.
The first words to leave her lips
when I entered this world
were electric bolts of lightning;
his were thunder.
The pounding of
his fists shook my tiny universe.

I was raised amid the crumbling
walls of a marriage gone sour,
where conversations consisted of heaving chairs,
house-wide rampages, and
chillingly silent dinners.

I learned amid the uproar that
we are not safe from the monsters in our minds:
they escape through the darkness in our eyes
and the fire in our mouths.
They fuel the momentum behind the punch
and fill the cracks in our hearts.

I discovered amid the rubble that
love means fuck you and fuck off and shut up and you bitch.
That anger is holes in the wall,
bruises and scratches, and the crack in your voice.

I watched in the corner amid
the chaos I was born into, and
the Universe watched me recoil from
the destructive violence of sentiment.

I lived my life amid the thwarted truth
that the doors to the storm cellar must always remain shut
to protect others from the tornadoes inside.
And if God forbid
at some point my body could no longer hold the weight of so many
unsaid words,
and I collapse in a heap by your side, bleeding love and anger,
I must apologize; I must mop up my mess
in order to keep you clean.

But I am so fucking sick of
keeping you clean by
mopping up my messes, when
I am covered in your blood.

So I will get up and walk away.
I will speak chaos and tornadoes and destruction.
And I will not ask for your permission,
and I will not apologize

Rest In Power (His Name Was Blake)

Another light has gone out.
Another line of a story that will be continuously written,  
a battle you are and forever will be a part of.

You were born a billboard of lights, though.
You were made to be seen. 
You were made to be heard.

And you fought valiantly, you beautiful souldier.
It isn’t your fault– sometimes you fight your hardest, and yet
the enemy cracks your armor
with their words and their eyes and
you are left exposed.

But there is and always will be an army behind you.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

I met your smile last week, and I am in love with it still.
I will fight for that smile.
I will fight for others’ smiles.
I will fight so that there will always be a smile
for you in someone else when
you cannot give one yourself.

Because I know what it’s like
to have clouds dim the suns in your eyes,
or to have the weight of the world lay heavy on
the corners of your lips.
And I’m so sorry
the spinning tied you down and dragged you
and hunched your shoulders
all while making you wear a mask–
when all you wanted to do was
spread your light so others could learn to love
themselves, too.

And I’m so sorry we aren’t fast enough.
I’m so sorry people cannot love what they don’t understand.
I’m so sorry you ever believed your life wasn’t worth living.
I’m so sorry the world has let one more light 
die. 

But I’m Doing Okay

When I walked away from you, I didn’t realize I was going to feel so alone for so long. I didn’t know that people would reach out to me, and I’d still feel like I was drowning. I did not know that my insides would not grow back around the hole you left; that I would never fully heal.
That there would always be this scar. 

When I walked away from you, I didn’t expect to ever again laugh so hard my eyes teared up. I didn’t think I’d ever have the courage to bare my naked soul to anyone again– to tear open a still healing wound.
But I have
surrounded myself with light, and in some ways I feel more free than I ever have. 

When I walked away from you, you insisted it wasn’t mutual.
But I know I did what was best for both of us.
You couldn’t fully invest in your relationship if I was around, and I would never be able to have a relationship with anyone if I kept you in my life. 

When I walked away from you, I did not think I would love again.
I have.
And I will love again after him.
You are no longer my most recent heart break. You are no longer my muse. And in some ways I am so thankful for this, because you are fading farther and farther into the distance, like you are on shore, and I am sailing away. Soon I won’t be able to see you at all.