Tag: spilled thoughts

it’s so cold out here,
my bones are vibrating.
my thumb seems to have forgotten 
how to flick a lighter, 
but i don’t feel the icy tongue
of the wind on my skin. 
i am half-cooked: well done
on the outside, but raw
in the core. perhaps
all i need is a cigarette
to light me. but i know fires
never last on the coldest nights;
even the brightest flames
eventually die.
i can’t hold this
damn bogie still enough
for it to
kiss the flame; the moons
of my fingers are turning purple
and the rawness is
creeping to the surface.

i am still raw in the center // a.s.m

1. If their eyes ever falter as you walk into a room, walk away. You may not believe it, but you deserve to be reflected in their irises.   

2. If you’re sitting in your bed with their voice echoing in your head, using your sheets to wipe your nose, and can think of sixteen reasons to go and one to stay, you should go. You will find someone better for you, I promise.  

3. If you go into it hoping you can get them to smoke less weed or stop saying ‘fuck’ so damn much, don’t go further. Old habits die hard, if at all; make sure you can live with their quirks.

4. If they hold their glass of vodka closer than your waist, let them go. You do not deserve to come in second to their vices.

5. If they pinch your love handles and tell you your curls look better straightened, leave. The way you were created deserves to be adored.

6. Know you are worth millions of atoms, of stardust and spiraling staircases of double helixes, and do not accept anything less than love.

you are worthy: things i wish i had known when i met you // a.s.m

you’re too young to be hiding
in the closet
full of clothes your
mother bought you. 

you’re too young to 
hate yourself so much
that you dream of hiding
in there forever, just so you
never again have to wear a dress
on Easter. 

you’re too old 
to be living as anything but
what paints your stomach lining. 
project it in color on city walls. 
scream it drunkenly off of rooftops
to the whole world, a reminder: 

your tiny planet will
never stop spinning as long as you
continue to push it.

your life is too short to be squeezing yourself into clothes that don’t fit who you are // a.s.m

It would be a joke
to think I could ever forget
what this day is.

This will always be
your day.

For the rest of my life, I will
fight hard daily
not to miss you, but today
I will. Today you will
flood my mind as the rain
outside my window 
engulfs the worms. 

Today I will
wallow in the regret
I have been bottling
in jars and collecting in my closet.
I will tilt my head back and
empty
every single one until 
I am drunk with self-hatred, 
projecting black-and-white images
of you on the inside of my forehead
when I close my eyes.  

Today I will
finally take the unopened gift
sitting on top of the fridge
I bought for your birthday 
last year and
throw it away
alongside the wilted
beets
I never cooked.  

I see you sitting in
the grass blowing
out the candles and I hope
I am a psychic; but how
contradictory it is 
to wish 
your loved ones well and 
hope they are missing you, 
too.

October 28th, 2015: happy birthday, leyitah // a.s.m

a picture worth a thousand words
you wanted the world
to hear me say the ones
hidden
underneath my tongue
for you.
i wanted you to
taste them when you kissed
me.

i turn my back
to the lens, cover
my face with my hands.
i only want these moments
as they slide between my
fingers. i only want the
blanket of your lips on
mine. i only want the
heat of you running
up my spine. i don’t
want to press flowers
between the pages
of a book. no
lingering scent
of you on my
bedsheets, no
ink on a piece
of paper to
prove you
ever set
foot
here.

i just want you in these moments: why do we need to prove we’re in love to everyone else? // a.s.m

the bathroom smells like blood
and when they open the door, 
you look into their eyes
as they’re crumbled on the floor. 
as you open your mouth
they put a hand to your face; 
exhaling reassurances to fill the empty space: 
‘this will be the last time,
i just had a hard day. 
some days i feel i’m at war
i swear i don’t hurt anymore.’

all of a sudden
they’re a million miles away.
through the back end of binoculars
you don’t know what to say because
you know you can’t do anything
to take away the pain. 
even though cuts fade to scars, 
sometimes the blood stains.

even though cuts fade to scars, sometimes the blood stains // a.s.m

blank stares 
don’t exist anymore. 
there’s always something
new, something blue, something
read at 4:37 p.m.
that has yet to be answered to.

no time
to smell the roses,
fit your family in
a cubicle and get your
hands back on that keyboard
and your ear to that phone.
you have lives
to improve to be
just like your own.

hi, tech // a.s.m

Be like the Earth. She doesn’t care if you love Her or think She’s beautiful. She continues existing the way She has always existed; She continues doing exactly what She has done since She was born. Some people revel in Her beauty. Some destroy it: they tear Her down and tell Her how She should be and try to change Her to meet their needs. But She does not change; She does not bend. She continues to be how She always has been. The streams that have always flooded continue to flood. The forest fires continue to burn. Droughts continue to dry the land. We blame Her for being herself, for refusing to change for us, and yet She continues on. 

Be like the Earth. It is okay to catch fire– it clears crowded places and makes them clean. Let there be drought and flood to allow seeds to germinate and grow. The universe is inside you– do not fear these times. Do not dam the floods within you or try to put out your fires. Let them cleanse you, let them grow you, and no matter what, continue to persevere.

Be like the Earth: cause earthquakes in cities you never wanted built in the first place.

Be like the Earth // a.s.m