Even before it hits
it is there, building up
in the depths of my ocean;
churning and ruminating
in my darkness.When it crashes within me
this time, I gasp for breath; for hope
that I can do this alone.
For the first time you are not here
to help me float.
For the first time I must learn
to swim on my own.
It would be a joke
to think I could ever forget
what this day is.This will always be
your day.For the rest of my life, I will
fight hard daily
not to miss you, but today
I will. Today you will
flood my mind as the rain
outside my window
engulfs the worms.Today I will
wallow in the regret
I have been bottling
in jars and collecting in my closet.
I will tilt my head back and
empty
every single one until
I am drunk with self-hatred,
projecting black-and-white images
of you on the inside of my forehead
when I close my eyes.Today I will
finally take the unopened gift
sitting on top of the fridge
I bought for your birthday
last year and
throw it away
alongside the wilted
beets
I never cooked.I see you sitting in
the grass blowing
out the candles and I hope
I am a psychic; but how
contradictory it is
to wish
your loved ones well and
hope they are missing you,
too.
a picture worth a thousand words
you wanted the world
to hear me say the ones
hidden
underneath my tongue
for you.
i wanted you to
taste them when you kissed
me.i turn my back
to the lens, cover
my face with my hands.
i only want these moments
as they slide between my
fingers. i only want the
blanket of your lips on
mine. i only want the
heat of you running
up my spine. i don’t
want to press flowers
between the pages
of a book. no
lingering scent
of you on my
bedsheets, no
ink on a piece
of paper to
prove you
ever set
foot
here.
the bathroom smells like blood
and when they open the door,
you look into their eyes
as they’re crumbled on the floor.
as you open your mouth
they put a hand to your face;
exhaling reassurances to fill the empty space:
‘this will be the last time,
i just had a hard day.
some days i feel i’m at war
i swear i don’t hurt anymore.’all of a sudden
they’re a million miles away.
through the back end of binoculars
you don’t know what to say because
you know you can’t do anything
to take away the pain.
even though cuts fade to scars,
sometimes the blood stains.
a drowning desire
to dream, you touch my
shoulder and push me to
sleep.
spin cotton candy from
my spine, pour words over
me like maple syrup and
i will taste them, like
black and white memories,
when i wake.i’m sailing face down
on this ship,
with dinosaur theories
on rippling white waves, and now
i’m running fast
on Italy’s shores;
running towards
crystal green promises
you try not to blink
away;running faster until
i’m flying
above rooftops to
my grandfather’s heart.
blank stares
don’t exist anymore.
there’s always something
new, something blue, something
read at 4:37 p.m.
that has yet to be answered to.no time
to smell the roses,
fit your family in
a cubicle and get your
hands back on that keyboard
and your ear to that phone.
you have lives
to improve to be
just like your own.
Be like the Earth. She doesn’t care if you love Her or think She’s beautiful. She continues existing the way She has always existed; She continues doing exactly what She has done since She was born. Some people revel in Her beauty. Some destroy it: they tear Her down and tell Her how She should be and try to change Her to meet their needs. But She does not change; She does not bend. She continues to be how She always has been. The streams that have always flooded continue to flood. The forest fires continue to burn. Droughts continue to dry the land. We blame Her for being herself, for refusing to change for us, and yet She continues on.
Be like the Earth. It is okay to catch fire– it clears crowded places and makes them clean. Let there be drought and flood to allow seeds to germinate and grow. The universe is inside you– do not fear these times. Do not dam the floods within you or try to put out your fires. Let them cleanse you, let them grow you, and no matter what, continue to persevere.
Be like the Earth: cause earthquakes in cities you never wanted built in the first place.
i am falling apart:
a 1000-piece puzzle
even i gave up on
half-way through.
you are the wind, blowing
my pieces every
which way and
i cannot catch them all.
the universe is shining
in my eyes,
so i let my hands down
to my side and watch
myself go.
they put my
heart on a gold platter
for you to hang
next to the deer and moose
heads on your walls.
my tongue, my lungs
severed and garnished with
flowers and herbs
for you to consume,
your stomach acids slowly
breaking down the only
cells in my body that
allowed me to sing.
i am sea bones, born
swaying to the
duple meter of
undulations rocking
my skeletal ship.
where waves melt
together into stillness
and skies become clear
with stars.
Silenticel 