When I tell you I love you,
I don’t just mean how
I love the brilliant green of your eyes or
your contagious, body-shaking laughter or
the way you kiss me.
I mean I love
the face you make before you sneeze
and the way your eyebrows furrow
when you’re deep in thought
and the way your ears get
bright red when you’re angry.
When I say
I love you
I mean that
I love you and
all of the parts of you that make you
exactly who you are.
I’ve always had strong sea legs and
a need for perpetual motion.
When I was young I’d stand at the edge
of my father’s boat
and let the waves sway me as they
kissed the hull. The ocean’s child,
she’d rock me to sleep
with sea foam kisses and promises
of serenity.And when I walked
on the solid ground that
nailed my feet into this planet like a crucifix,
I’d hear no promises of the ocean’s serenity.
I’d put my ear to sea shells just to hear her
whispers, but
I could no longer fall asleep at night, no
matter how much
I rocked myself to and fro.But last night, as I lay
my ear to your chest, I heard
promises of peace
in the ebb and flow of
your breath. I saw the calm to come
after the storm I have become, and I think
I’ve been waiting my whole life for the ocean
to find me through you.
The way you hold me and rock me like
the waves do;
after years of insomnia, I finally fell asleep.
If you find someone who makes you believe in love, never let them go.
I’ve heard that quote that says ‘do one thing every day that scares you.’ But what if every day is a nightmare that I’m not quite sure how to navigate? What if every day in itself terrifies me? What then?
You don’t need to understand it to enjoy it.
this faucet is about
to burst open
and leak blood
and i honestly feel like
i have fucked up too
many times to count
i have fucked up too
many times to forgive
myself and i don’t
understand how i am able to
live inside this body and able to
live with these mistakes and
trudge through mud that glues my boots into place
and somehow still get somewhere.
i am amazed at how far i can walk,
disgusted by how much mud i am covered in.
i tried, i tried
so hard not to
step on your toes, even though
sometimes i felt like
you’d intentionally poke them out
under the crack of your door to see if
i might do it anyway.i tried so hard to
make sure
you had room to breath;
that when you looked over your shoulder
i wasn’t always there. even though
sometimes all i wanted to do was kiss you.i let you breathe.
i let you breathe without me.
and i think you realized that
sometimes the air is fresher when you’re alone.
I am so tired of having to try so hard to make you happy, only to lose myself in the process.
If I cannot make you happy simply by breathing, perhaps I cannot make you happy at all.
the past is
the past is passed.
and i know i need to stop
looking through the binoculars backwards,
but for some reason
i keep seeing little flecks of you
in the glass when i look through my windshield,
and i wonder if it’s your reflection from behind me.i see you laughing. i want to
be the reason for that laugh,
to be next to you so i can hear it.
but i know it’s
something she said
that’s so funny,
and that you’ve already forgotten
the way i snort when i laugh.
she doesn’t snort when she laughs.
i wonder if you like that better.i wonder if you wish you could hear me
laughing too.
i wonder if you’ll see a photo of me in a hot air balloon
in August and wish you had been there to hold my hand
as i looked over the edge because you know
my fear of falling
from great heights.
please don’t leave me alone
tonight. there are spiders
in the corners of my mind,
spinning webs that spell out his name
and i’m afraid
if your arms aren’t wrapped
around me i will soon
be wrapped in silk instead.
Silenticel 