I was your shooting star: just
a bright wish passing by
to get you through a dark time. But
you are my moon, persistently
invading my
thoughts at night and burning
your afterimage into my
mind.
You were only
the second person
I understood how to love.
I was naive– I still hadn’t learned
that love isn’t
bleeding out onto the card table
and showing everyone your hand;
that in order to win,
you had to bluff.And I came in like a hurricane and
tore apart the small space
you had just started feeling like you could call home.
I asked for a room– you weren’t sure
you had any.But I made myself a copy
of your keys and slept
at the foot of your bed until
you finally started leaving
extra eggs in the frying pan for me
in the mornings.
But you never were one for routine.You were a runner,
you said. You didn’t like to stay still.
You could find home within yourself but
were too scared to rent out property
in anybody else.I told you I was looking
for a tenant.When I finally started making an indent
in your mattress,
you locked me out.‘It’s too risky,’ you said,
‘this real estate game.’
I will drive five hours in heavy weekend traffic
so I can see the way your eyes
curve into crescent moons
when you smile.I will pick up that
ratty couch off the sidewalk
and put it in the trunk of my car
so I can see the gaps between your
teeth when you laugh with joy;
even though I know
you’re going to put it in the basement and
forget about it.I will hold your hand and take you
on hikes through tranquil forests
and let the wind infiltrate you
like a new spirit so you will laugh again,
with your whole belly, the way
you used to before him.I will throw pebbles at your
dorm room window
at 2 a.m. just so you’ll know
that even when I am awake
I’m dreaming of you, always.I will slip love notes under your door
when you are not home, so
when you return, you’ll
have a reason to smile.I will call you
when I know you’re busy so
I can leave a voicemail
telling you how wonderful you are;
I will always be in your pocket
for you to listen to on days that
never seem to end.I will buy you small presents for
no reason at all except that
they remind me of you;
just the thought of
you is a gift to me.I will sit with you and hug you
when there’s nothing to say
because even your silence
takes my breath away.If I love you, I will love you
fully, wholly, completely– with
my entire being, my entire
heart.My god, if I love you,
you will know.
My therapist once told me that overcoming an addiction is a daily battle: I will always crave a cigarette on my lunch breaks, and I will always instinctively reach for a razor blade when life is on overdrive. Every day is a war with my mind to not give in to itself. I wonder if it’s going to be like that with you, too. I wonder if every day I will fight not to pick up the phone just so I can hear your voice.
unless you’ve been there
when the world has knocked
me in the chest and released
the air from my lungs like a loose balloon;unless you’ve been there
to kiss away the memories i’ve
etched into my skin, unless
you know my scars by name;unless you’ve been there
to simply hold me when
crying becomes like breathing and
i cannot remember how to laugh;unless you’ve been there
to kiss me in the morning
after i’ve stolen the blankets
throughout the night;unless you’ve been there
to call me the day after
i couldn’t say a word, unless
you’ve stayed through dinner
with my family, unless
you’ve stuck around even though
sometimes i scare you shitless;unless you’ve kissed my forehead
after dining with me in hell,
do not tell me
you love me.
My mother warned me about drugs.
She said I wouldn’t want to end up like
my brother: rotting
teeth, rotting body, rotting away
in a cell.My mother warned me about
‘fair weather friends’; the ones that
only stick around when life is good:
they’d get their nails
done at the salon with you, then
stab you in the back with them
the week after.But my mother never warned me about
the people who stick
with you through everything:
the ones you get addicted to,
the ones you think you need to keep
you alive when all you want to do is
rip your skin off.She never warned me that
they were drugs, too.She never warned me about how
they’d suck
all the strength out of you.She never told me that
eventually, you have to fight
alone.
i assured myself his eyes
would always search for me
in the cracks between the pavement
and his ears would listen for me
when the wolves
howled at night.
but now i know
he’s filled those cracks
with softer skin and
while the wolves
howl, his ears are full
of her laughter,
and so
it doesn’t
even
matter.
i am nothing
to him anymore.
and so a piece of me dies.
i am a little less
of who i was before.
Loving someone who doesn’t love you back in the same way is a suffering unlike any other. Every minute in their presence is a reminder of what you are not, what you never will be: enough for them. And in the process of loving them, you end up hating yourself.
i’m in some sort
of fucked up purgatory.
dancing between
reaching for the phone and
reaching for my throat
because
it’s my fault you’re gone
it’s my fault i’m gone
but at least i’m not
on fire anymore.and i want to call you.
sometimes i go so far as to
hear the dial tone before i remember
i deleted your number
and never bothered to memorize it.
i never thought i’d need to.and sometimes i go so far as to
imagine what it would be like to have you
in my life again until
i remember how much it hurt
the first time around;
how heaven and hell were never meant to be
together because
that’s what being with you was and
it was a cycle so vicious
i couldn’t for the life of me tear myself away.but i did.
and in the process i lost
my skin from where
we were attached
at the hips.
the scar reminds me why i cannot go back.
because my hands might as well be ghosts,
the way they touch you.
because my lips are useless
if they never meet your skin.
because i will always love you,
and you
will always love someone else.
if ever you feel far from home,
please know that you are not alone.
for I, too, have wandered far
and made my bed among the stars.and if you know not where to go,
look to the skies, the ground below
and know another pair of eyes
is seeking out the same advice.and if your voice shakes when you speak,
please know it does not make you weak.
look at the sun– see how it shines?
you, too, were made from dust divine.if the future makes you doubt
your life will figure itself out,
be still– the universe knows all
and does not let her dear ones fall.and when from wand’ring you’ve had your fill
and yearn for your soul to be still,
look inside you to find peace–
the waves within will finally cease.
Silenticel 